Well...what better way to start the book...than to welcome you with the world's most oft used greeting - the handshake! But wait a second - I am a wily yet lonely shop owner and I must first know who you are, so that I may decide what handshake you deserve!! Pick the option that describes you best:
1) Respectable Stranger - You are on training to be an Area Sales Manager are you...hmm...now let me see:
Do I have any grievances against your company - No
Do I hate the guts of this guy who is introducing you to me - No
Am I older than 60, in which case nothing matters to me but making everyone's life miserable - No
Well then great..you shall get the Proper Firm Handshake...not too dramatic...not too light...just right!!
2) A guy from Levers - I don't care who you are...the salesman may call you boss...but no one is my boss...let me see...hmmm
Do I have any grievances against your company - like hell I do (when are you going to pick up the damages from my shop...why don't I get supplies at time...company humen lootne pe kyun tulli hai!!)
Well that's it - you get the Non-Committal, Disrespectful, 'Half my finger will touch half yours and I wont even curl myn' handshake...you know..the one where you wonder later whether you were actually shaking the guys hands or checking to see if he really was there!
3) Respectable guy from Levers - I am a big shop owner..you are going to be a hot shot...I am amazing at building relations...hmm...let me see
Do I have any grievances against your company - Maybe...but I have my own way of gettin stuff done..
Do I hate the guts of this guy who is introducing you to me - No...or maybe...but I'm good enough a diplomat to make him feel like Ive never loved anyone else more
Am I older than 60, in which case nothing matters to me but making everyone's life miserable - No
Well then...you've earned yourself a Double Handed..Full Fledged...Handshake...where I cup your hand with both of myn and shake it violently till you wonder whether we are Siamese twins or whether I am gay. Ill tell you how intelligent you are (though we've met for just 10 minutes)...I'll tell you a few stories of bravado n intelligence of my own...ill basically suck up!
4) An IIM Grad!! Well...I might be a big or small shop owner...but I am extremely erudite and hence I shall talk to you in English and give you a 'stiff upper lip' equivalent of a handshake..but wait...what shall I talk to you about!...hmm...let me see
Do I have any grievances against your company - No - Well in this case it has to be IIM.. about how tough it must be to get in...about this nephew of myn who is preparing for MBA...this cousin of myn who went to IIM A and is now with swiss bank...and If you are lucky...about my own extremely amazing educational background (why again are you sitting in a shop!!)
Do I have any grievances against your company - YES!! Man..you are in for trouble...get ready for discussions on margins...revenues (the 2 words i know...don't mock me).. about how the fmcg business model is so tilted against the shopkeeper (more on this later) ...and ofcourse...to assert the credibility of my statements...I shall make them all in extremely grammatically flawed english (or something like it)
5) A company guy - Well I am a small shop owner with big problems...and...
Do I have any grievances against your company - Yes...and you know why??
Do I hate the guts of this guy who is introducing you to me - YES...thats why!
So Ill offer you a firm professional handshake, with a look that says...you better fix what I haven't told you as yet...or even better...ill shake your hand while looking at the other guy...my eyes sayin...you are in for it dude...your nuts are myn!!
6) Do I know you...do i need to know you...do you even matter!! - I am a large wholesaler (lalaji)...
Am I older than 60, in which case nothing matters to me but making everyone's life miserable - YES!!
I have seen many come and go...so I wouldn't even take notice...yes yes...I hear someone in the distance introduce you to me...ok...I shall nod my head...and in doing so acknowledge your presence...and then start ranting off what I think about you, your company, this world, my neighbours underwear that he dries on my wall, the way the world used to be and how our women were fuller and more obedient than nowadays...but shake your hand...GOOD LORD NO...I shall not!!
These are the major types of handshakes that I have been party to in the past one month...there are many more P&C's...depending on a combination of the factors I have listed...but all those other handshakes have these 6 as basic ingredients in different quantities.Also, these are similar variations on the 'namaskar'...but i am sure you get the picture.
What's important is to understand how the shopkeeper tells you so much about:
- Who he is
- Who he thinks he is
- Who he thinks you are
- What that means to him
- What he wants from you...what he expects from you
- Whether he uses moisturizer...and does he help his labor with stocking the cartons
- And most importantly...about how you must prepare yourself for what he wishes to throw at you
...with just one handshake!!
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