Chapter 4 - Kiss of Death

Me:’Miyalaraam, aaj saare Wholesalers ke target poore karwane hain…ok’

Miyalaraam (my top salesman at Kishangarh):’Ji sir’

Me:’Chalo, main Wholesalers ke naam leta hun…tum bolo target hoga ke nai…’

Miyalaraam:’Ji sir’

Me:’Oswal’

Miyalaraam:’hoga sir’

Me:’Shiv Shankar’

Miyalaraam:’hoga sir’

Me:’Apsara’

Miyalaraam:’hoga sir’

Me:’Nirmala’

Miyalaraam:’nai hoga sir’

Me:’Kyun’

Miyalaraam:’sir usse kisi ne goli maar di’

Me: (oh cmon…you really expected something here)

Ohk…so there are moments in life which leave you speechless…and then there are moments when you don’t know till 5 mins later that a moment 5 minutes back had rendered you speechless…because your mind had gone blank and it couldn’t take notice of your speechlessness! This was neither one of them…but this whole moment thingy sounded really cool so I put it there…

Anyways…coming back to the point…HOW THE HELL WILL I MEET MY TARGETS NOW…oops…missed the point again…

No really…coming back to the point…WHAT IN BLOODY HELL DID HE JUST SAY! Seriously, every now and then you settle into ‘Normal’ mode…where life starts following a pattern…a routine…and then just like the kid who will start crying the moment he see’s that Mom’s not paying any attention to it…arbit random shit starts happening. Here is the scene…this wholesaler…the biggest one in Kishangarh…is heading back home after work and carrying the day’s cash with him when 2 guys pull up on a bike…shoot him…he Is shot in the ribs but he makes sure he turns into the nearest sweet shop and deposits the cash there…and the guys run off…brilliant.

All day that day, this incident was the talk of the town. Any shop I went to..no one wanted to talk of Lux or Breeze…it was all Lachchu bhai (the wholesaler) and how bad a shape kishangarh was in. But getting airtime equal to the famous Lachchu bhai’s famous story…was another incident…of an unknown girl. Apparently, 2 days before the shooting incident, 2 guys on a bike had stopped a girl on the busiest road in Kishangarh…at 2 in the afternoon…held her hand…kissed her .. and driven away!

Now, what I found really interesting, was the way everyone in town described these 2 incidents. Each and every one of the n conversations I had that day ended with this line – ‘Batao sahib…kya halat hai kishangarh ki…sarre aam ladkiyon ko pappi de jaate hain…logon ko goli maar jaate hain’

When people said it this way…it just didn’t seem right to me…normally people say two things of comparable intensity/severity together…you know…it’s fine if someone says that 10 ppl died here and 14 died there…but no one says 10 people died here and even my foot is hurting…similarly…these two incident were not of comparable intensity by a long shot…but still everyone reported them together…in one breath…as if they happened simultaneously. Also, the kissing incident had happened 2 days back…why didn’t anyone feel the need to talk about it then!

The normal course of thought would be that these people are obviously worried about the state of crime in their town and it wasn’t until 2 incidents happened simultaneously that they realised how grave the situation was…and so they are reporting them now…together. Well, that is logical…but I don’t think it was the fear of crime…the fear of being hurt…or the fear of dying that I saw in many people who spoke the most passionately about this incident. No…I think it was the fear of not knowing when and how the crime..the hurt…the death will hit them. It was the ugly reminder that randomness had sent them to shake them out of their cosy homes made with patterned walls . I don’t think they knew it consciously…but they had just witnessed the thread called arbitrariness that binds life and death…through 2 explicit examples…one of life and one of death…

But does that mean we’d be better off if we knew when death will hit us??

I don’t know…there are people who know they will die in a month and some of them live their life in those 30 days while the others sulk it away. But what’s common to both reactions is the undercurrent of helplessness. Both know that they are helpless against what we call ‘fate’. Now the notion of fate has a n inherent self-annihilating paradox…the paradox is that the notion of ‘fate’ lives on an inherent belief in a pre-decided end to a particular chain of events..thus implying that there is a pattern…a method to the madness…but if there is a method…then I believe someone would’ve found it in the gazzilion years that human beings have existed…thereby eliminating the need for the mysterious notion of fate itself!!

But then again we, the human race, are extremely skilled at taking the easy route…so we go ahead and introduce another notion…that of a GOD…and using him/her (has that been settled yet?) give credence to the notion of fate…we say…ofcourse there is a pattern…and ofcourse we teeny tiny humans haven’t been able to/ never will be able to figure it out…because STRANGE ARE THE WAYS OF GOD…’wah re upar wale…teri maya koi nai samajh paya’….

What’s the result…we basically support a notion (of fate) that itself contradicts the premise that forms its very foundation, by inventing another notion (of God) that has no reason to exist except to keep a hundred other notions from being shattered…amazing!!

So are we doomed to a life of despair…when anything can hit us anytime…and we can’t even believe that there is someone up there who will serve justice…who is controlling all the variables…even if we can’t understand his modus operandi!!

The reactions that the people of Kishangarh had to this event were equally educative for me. There were people saying that now all shops will close down by 8pm…that they will ask for more police presence…that they will not send their women out alone….

Basically…all I could hear was…’we have seen 2 more forms of randomness and now we shall be prepared if randomness decides to repeat itself’…well hello…that is randomness’s core competence…it doesn’t fuckin repeat itself!!! ( The reaction reminded me of the Indian governments reaction to terrorist attacks…ohh they came from the sea…secure the ports now…they came by air…secure the airports now…seems like the government is saving the cost of hiring consultants who will tell them all the flaws at one go…whats the hurry…the terrorists are doing it anyway…and since they take some time…the costs get spread out!!)

Well…it didn’t fill me with despair…infact…I remember being quite happy that day…not that I wasn’t worried about the guy who got shot…but for me the 2 incidents reminded me that some unexpected good thing might be on its way…after all…randomness is extremely fair…the problem is that when it brings hurt people curse it…but when it bring happiness they feel that it had to happen and randomness gets no credit! Well I was happy…because in the fair world of randomness…the probability of a good thing and a bad thing happening is exactly the same!!

Ohh btw…the guy went into coma…came back out of it in 2 days…is absolutely fine now…and the 2 gunmen walked into the police station 4 days later and surrendered…No one know why they did so…(evil grin)

Baldy's Comb: Experience#1 - Hey Raam

I was 2 weeks into my stint at Ajmer…it was 10 in the night…and me and 4 of my salesmen (Deepak, Hemant, Nandu and Praksh) were still at the distributor point. Suddenly, Deepak comes up with an idea:

Deepak:’Boss Yahan pass main hi ek Mela laga hai…aaj wahan khana khane chalen??’

Me (extremely tired…but tired even more of having restaurant food for 2 weeks):’Mele main khana…kya keh raha hai bhai?’

Deepak:’Boss langar lagta hai na mele main…chalo wahin khana khate hain aaj’

Ok..I think the only time I’ve been to a Langar was that time of my life that has been erased off my memory…Basically, I’ve heard that Gurdwara langars are amazing…and have heard people saying that “langar ki daal ka jawab nahi”…but the closest I’ve come to eating at one, is the ‘Been there done that look’ I give when people talk of what a heavenly experience it is to eat at a langar…you know, it’s the look all of us prudes have perfected, so that we don’t come across as fragile little rich kids who’ve never seen and enjoyed the ‘real life’
Me (The hungry me shouting yes): ‘Acha…chalo chalte hain (not wanting to look like a BOSS who thinks its below his dignity to eat at a langar)

Deepak to the other 3:’Abe chalo…langar pe…boss bhi aa rahe hain’

So we set off…all the thought about the langar had made me forget that it’s a mela too. And just like a langar…I don’t remember being to a real mela…so I ask Deepak:

Me: ‘Abe ye mela kya hai…kyun hota hai?’
Deepak:’Boss Sindhiyon ka mela hai…aaj last din hai’

Me:’Abe…sindhiyon ka hai…maana…but kyun hai…kis khushi main?’
Deepak:’Boss Sindhi lagate hain ye mela har saal’

Me(extremely irritated):’Abe saaale…sindhi koi c***** hain kya jo ek din uthte hain aur kehte hain chalo mela lagaenge…reason kya hai???’
Deepak:’Boss, kisi guru ki punyatithi hoti hai’

Ahhhh…finally…an answer…but as soon as I got the response, I looked around and we were entering the mela. It’s tough to describe the scene…it was surreal…it was the typical Mela from a typical early 90’s bollywood movie…loads of people…in traditional Rajasthani dresses…crowding a t various game tables and trying their hand at it. The games ranged from shooting balloons, to throwing a ring over different products (the products on the table were mostly soaps…and Prakash had a great idea that we can improve sales by ensuring that the guy oprating the game only used Lever’s soaps!!), betting on a dice…the works. There were people singing, people offering camel rides, people enjoying ‘kala khattas’…people forgetting their worries and having fun….you could feel the energy in the air!!

Walking on we reached a place where a hoard of people were gathered behind one of those sliding grill gates, which was closed and guarded by 2 people on the other side. The crowd on our side was growing every minute, people getting restless…shouting…pushing…

Deepak:’Late ho gaye…ab 10 minute lagenge’
Me(I think I got what he meant…I just didn’t wanna accept it):’kis cheez ke liye late ho gaye…kya keh raha hai?’

Deepak:’Arre boss, yei hai langar…darwaze ke uss taraf…abhi ek lot hai logon ka andar…jab who kha ke uthenge…gate khulega…aur hum andar jaenge. Mere khayal se humara last lot hoga…fir langar band’

Ohhk…so that’s why people are pushing to be at the front…there is limited capacity and no one wants to be left out!! Great…here I am…an HUL BLT…earning enough to eat out everyday…and now I shall fight for food…awesome!

I turned to look at the others…and they had an excited look..a look of challenge on their faces…as if it’ll be so much fun…to squeeze through this crown n get in…I didn’t get it. Well, I was playing ‘down to earth boss’ today, so couldn’t let anything show…so we carried on making small talk…a push here and a shove there…when suddenly, the gates opened….

For a moment I drifted back to the first time I boarded a local train in bombay…technically, I didn’t contribute much to the act of me boarding…the crowd just swept me in….
Deepak (shouting): ‘Boss chalo chalo…jaldi aao..’
Back to my senses…I rushed in…unlike the typical hindi movie…I made it well in time and the door didn’t close immediately after…sorry to disappoint

Anyways, once inside, I was instructed to take off my shoes and then go sit…sit where you ask…well, there were several rows of green carpet on the floor, interspersed with empty spaces. Simple arrangement, people sit on the carpet..the people serving food walk in the empty lanes. So another race began to catch a place before it becomes too cramped…well my salesmen had already done that for me…but having underestimated my size…kept just a little space…so I had to sit cross-legged with both my knees brushing my colleagues’ on either side.
Alright…the tough part is over mann…time for some food…and instantly, as if answering the cries of my hungry stomach…a bunch of kids started from the far end of all rows…placing plates (actually they were a bunch of dry leaves stapled together...not plates) in front of all guests. In a similar fashion, the food started getting served…what’s on the menu you ask:
1) Boiling hot boiled rice…the first thing to hit my plate
2) Yellow coloured water pretending to be daal…stuff that scalttered all over the flat plate as soon as it was poured…had to curl my hands around the plate to stop it from falling off
3) Rotis…nice tawa rotis…ohh it had been soo long…
4) A sabzi I’ve yet not been able to identify

Ok..now all I need is a spoon..and I shall dig in…’arre chamach lao jaldi…’
Prakash (his hand full of rice and daal stopping mid way to his mouth):’boss, haath se hi khana hai’
Ohh…ok…I had no problems with that…except that I’d been out in the field all day and not washed my hands…but whatever man…and I dug in…

Believe you me…it was PURE BLISS…to a man surviving on hotel food for 2 weeks…it was something money really couldn’t buy…and I’d forgotten how eating with one’s hands (expecially extremely dirty ones) just doubles the taste…orgasmic is the word…orgasmic!!!

So obviously…one serving wasn’t going to be enough…and again, as an instant answer…I saw a young lad serving daal in our row…he was walking with a container in his hand and serving those who asked for daal. I couldn’t figure what the people were saying…but I thought what else could it be but – ‘daal dedo’ or something. So the kid comes to me….and very politely I say, “daal dal do”…and well…he ignores me and walks past!! Didn’t he hear me…wtf!

Deepak:’Boss, ye sab Ram ke bhakt hain…yahan har cheez mangne ke liye…Raam naam jodna hota hai …dekho..’
He shouted – “DaalRaam….ChawalRaam”
And voila…he gets served…amazing!!
I don’t know how many times I said DaalRaam…RotiRaam…SabziRaam….that night….All I know is that I got up a satisfied man…

Two things that came to my mind once my stomach was full to the brim and my mind back up and running:
1) There were a lot of people in the crowd outside who looked like affording two meals a day was an uphill task for them…they were the ones who were desperately pushing to get in…I know it sounds AWFULLY senti…but I hope they all got in..that I didn’t take one of their spots
2) Food…I guess…is the only thing that can make an atheist like me say ‘Raam’ so many times!

Chapter 3 - Black is Fair

This ‘thought thread’ started in my mind around 3 years ago, when sitting for an interview, the interviewer asked me:

He: ‘So you like debating?’

Me: ’I wouldn’t debate that statement’

He: ‘Alright…here is a pen (and he took out a black pen from his pocket and kept it on the table), lets debate about it’

Me (absolutely dumbstuck…but maintaining posture):’ummmm….’

He: ‘What happened…lets debate about this pen…do you like the pen or not…you chose your side…I’ll take the other…and lets debate!’

Me (alright…now I get it…actly I still don’t…I mean…what are we debating about!! But anyways…must not let it show):’Ummm…no no…it’ll be too easy if I choose…you chose…and I’ll go against that motion (atleast I’ll understand then what the motion is!!)’

He:’Ok…I say I don’t like this pen….let’s debate and see whether it’s a good or a bad pen…go…build your case’

Me(alrightt…now I really get it…this guy is mad…anyways):’ See…since I haven’t used the pen…haven’t even touched it…the only criteria I can base my like/dislike on is the color…and as I am supposed to like the pen…so yes…I like it because I like the color black’ (wow…absolute genious)

He (there couldn’t have been an easier shot…I could see that ‘Gotcha’ glint in his eye): ‘So you like it because it’s black…but black is the colour of mourning…of death…of fear…or negativity…of the hair I used to have…of my neighbours undies…and on n on……..and hence you are a negative fella…coz you like black’ (hah…K.O.)

Me: Black is Fair

And that’s where the thread started…everything that we look at with a negative mental connotation is actually the most fair. Black doesn’t discriminate…it absorbs everything. Light discriminates between white and coloured…darkness doesn’t. Life discriminates between young and old, poor and rich, smart and dumb, salesman and CEO, girl and boy, 1000 bucks and 10000000 bucks....death doesn’t.

The same thread matured into a keen study of randomness and patterns…and guess what…the rule holds! Chaos and randomness are most fair….it is the occurrence of patterns that introduces biases and hence unfairness in the system. Now now…don’t jump to the conclusion that I am building a case for anarchy here…my closest friends would tell you what a sucker I am for order…but the point is…while systems and patterns increase the predictability of events (the way most of us like it)… they always end up being more fair to some than to others. Why we still vouch for them…is because rather than it being a world which is equally bad for all…we want a world that’s better…albeit for a select few (whether that is right or wrong is a whole new thread that we shouldn’t embark on right now)

So, coming back to the point…HOW THE HELL is all this connected to the BLT blog…

Well, before I started on this job, I sat down to think about what I expected from it. I realised that a sales/field job was inherently a more random and chaotic job than a cushy office job. Let me explain. The degree of randomness of any activity can be measured by the number of ‘uncontrollable external variables’ that the activity introduces in your life. A sales job, where in you travel all day long, in the city, in the market, inter city…meet hundreds of people…pass by gutters and over flyovers and under tin roofs….inherently has a lot lot more of these uncontrollable variables (rash drivers bumping into you, the roof falling over, slipping into the gutter ;)) than an office job where in you get-up – take the same route to office – sit in office – comeback.

So, I figured that since my job is more random, then by my own logic…it must be more fair! But how do you decide it if it’s fair? Well, I thought that we work to be happy, so if I am exposing myself to more randomness, it’ll only be fair if I get more happiness in return! I know…strange are the ways a BLT whose screwed up in the head can think….but this is what I thought…

Armed with this hypothesis and a few more corollaries, I entered the Big Bad BLT (alliteration baby..) world…and almost 2 months into the job…I am happy to report that the hypothesis holds true!!

Wow…so you think that you have ‘more happiness’…and we are supposed to belive you. Excuse me, but MORE happiness than what…what’s your benchmark??

Good question…initially I thought that my 2 months stint at HSBC as an intern would be my benchmark, but I soon realised that talking to the pot while I pee makes me happier. And I couldn’t come up with any other measure…so I left it to life…I said that I’ll jump right in and give life a chance to prove me right…and it did!! (haven’t I done this whole I am right with 3 exclamations marks thing before…hmm). 2 months into the job, and I feel that my capacity to be happy itself has increased. By introducing me to experiences that I never imagined I’d have, life here has taught me how to appreciate and enjoy a much wider spectrum of situations, interactions, conversations and observations. Another person viewing/ experiencing the same thing wouldn’t derive as much happiness from it. In a nutshell, I no longer need to view happiness as water in a mug and compare it to the water level in another…my mug’s size has increased…I can now hold more water!!

With this post as a background (and reason), I now introduce to you a New Thread on this blog…a thread called Experiences (am sure you never would’ve guessed). This thread will break the monotony of the Book/ Chapter system that this blog follows. From now on, anytime I have a ‘mug expanding’ experience, I shall post it somewhere between these chapters…so that a few years down the line…when I look at my waistline and shout…’Holy hell…when did this mug turn into a bucket’…I can come back to the blog and revisit the culprits…

Watch out for Experiences….

PS: I am writing this post on a bus ride from Ajmer to Jodhpur…3 hours ago I got a call from my tutor asking me to come to jodhpur…and I packed a pair of clothes into my lappy bag…caught a bus and was on my way. Chaotic.. did you say!! Well lets see what extra dose of happiness awaits me at the other end of this trip J