I have long wanted to write this post.
I travel a lot. And since my departure point is mostly Kolkata airport – that means being in a LOT of LONG Queues. And queues in India, made up of Indians, are so unique that they deserve to be written about – so here goes..
I usually take early morning flights out of Kolkata Airport - a time when the airport is overflowing with traffic. Since I never plan enough to take a printout of my ticket along, I start that day in the airline counter queue. I don’t get it, but the airlines don’t have the basic common sense to separate the lines for those who just want ticket printouts and those who want to book tickets. So there I am standing behind this Bihari uncle, who will ask about each and every flight option from Kolkata to Mumbai, the prices, the food they serve onboard, the waitresses dress length etc, then he will call his wife, consult with his munshi, look around, meditate, eat, drink, sleep and then decide that he will go the next day. After 15 mins I get to say – printout pls!
Next, being the only airport left in the country that doesn’t have an inline baggage check system – as soon as I enter, I get into the Baggage X-Ray queue. This queue has no dividers, so anyone can enter the queue from anywhere. This is where I typically encounter the quintessential suede mid-aged uncle who will non-chalalntly come speaking over the phone, sounding all important, and enter the line where he finds it convenient. Since we are inherently polite people, the phone trick plays a double whammy as no one wants to disturb him and hence they just ‘adjust’.
Ok – now past the X-Ray queue, I enter the Boarding pass queue. This is normally the most civilized queue and the only masala here is provided by the occasional harried passenger who is trying to convince the sweet lady behind the counter that 7:50 for a 8:30 flight = 45 minutes left. I’ve never seen them succeed, but they try nonetheless.
Next comes the DREADED security check queue. Whenever I stand in this queue, I am reminded of this great need, this urge that we Indians have – of coming FIRST!. And it is manifested in so many ways, in this one queue. The first sign is when you see this old aunty who will come and stand beside you in the queue and start walking parallel to you. She will refuse to acknowledge your presence, or the fact that she is out of queue…because she knows that just around the next corner, she will blend into the line with a quiet confidence and grace that can be earned only through rigorous lifelong practice of this subtle art. What is worse, is that sometimes people will get inspired by this aunty and form a whole new line behind her. The age old warfare lesson applied at airport queues – undermine the strength and credibility of your enemy to defeat it – basically, if I form a parallel queue that is longer than yours – then who is to say which was the original queue?…HA! But the most unbelievable form of this urge to come first, is exhibited by the pot bellied uncle who stands behind me – his pot belly constantly bumping into the small of by back. If it is a kid standing behind you, he will keep bumping his trolley into your ankle. I don’t understand what is the gameplan here – will you go through me to get ahead of me? Do you feel insecure if air passes between our bodies? I really really wish for the gift of passing silent lethal gas at these times…
Navigating through the enemies tactical moves – I get to the security check point. And this is when it strikes me…I have a LAPTOP! You might say so what…but if you have ever been in any of these lines, you will know that as soon as you take off your bag to take out your lappy, some uncle will quickly move in front of you, citing your delay in taking out the laptop as an implicit reason. Its even worse when you have to get out of the long queue that you just passed, to go and keep your bag on the conveyor belt – which is when chaos rules and your spot is most likely taken over!
Once in the security hold, you hope that the ordeal is over – after all – there is nothing to win now…everyone will get into the plane now. BUT NO! For some godforsaken reason, we Indians have to queue up for boarding too – and that too looong queues. Someone PLS tell me WHY! Why do you stand in a km long queue…waiting to get into the bus that will take you to the airport. Why cant you just sit down, wait for the queue to finish and then get up and enter! I just don’t get it!
Once in the bus, you feel…ahh…must be over now…BUT NO! The airlines will pack you into the bus like sardines…they will not signal to close the doors until there isn’t space to move. Im no sissy who cant take a crowded bus, but this means that there is another queue before walking up the ramp into the craft! Once inside there is a queue to get to your seat because everyone must first stand in the way, put in their bags, adjust their trousers, take out their cellphone which will get stuck in their pants once they sit, scratch their butts, loosen their belts – before they finally sit and let you pass.
Finally, Im in the flight…but I know this is just the lull before the storm. I can see that when the plane lands an hour later…there will be the most horrible queue of them all. The queue where everyone will rush to get their bags and stand in anticipation, bending under the over head cabins, standing at strange inclines to not rub against their fellow passenger yet not give up their place, with their luggage in one hand and mithais in another – and all this to watch a locked door which I am sure isn’t impressed and will take its own sweet time to open. You get down and a queue at the baggage collection belt awaits you…then there is a prepaid ticket queue…then there is a prepaid taxi waiting queue…then you go to the movies and even though you have online tickets…there is a queue…and all you end up wondering is…
PAR Q!
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