Survived, Revived

I remember the last time (which was also the first time) that I came to Patna. Actually, that time I was technically just supposed to cross Patna on my way to Siliguri from Lucknow, but a strange course of events transformed it into an hour long unscheduled stop at Patna. I won’t get into the details of that time (as I’ve been running out of stories lately and that story, with a little bit of exaggeration, will be enough to fill up 3/4th of a blog post…the remaining 1/4th can be borrowed from any Hindi Movie), but suffice to say that it had something to do with an Asamese guy, flirting with some UP girls, which appntly really bugged some Biahri guys, who took 5 mins to decide whether to a) live with it, b) bitch about it, c) hit the guy in a moving train d) pull the chain, stop the train, tear open his brain an leave him in pain. Finally, they decided to do the easiest thing, so they called up some guys as the train was crossing their village and voila, a barricade came up and the train was stopped. Then the Asamese guy was hit by a lot of Bihari dudes, while a Rajasthani Jawan made an unsuccessful attempt to intervene and got a bleeding nose in the process – and all this while, a lot of erudite Bengali people did what they do best – sat at the side, yawned and talked about how the political and religious degradation of society and youth in particular had resulted in such numbness towards a fellow citizens pain that today no one was willing to get up and help the poor chinki.

Anyways, as I said…I will not get into the details of that day….

This is the story of the first time I actually, intentionally visited Patna. Extremely happy that I didn’t have to travel by train, as my company was willing to foot my airplane bill, I boarded the Kingfisher ATR (yes, the one with those huge Usha fans at the sides) with a spark in my stride. Now, no matter how many times I’ve flown in an aircraft, I am always astonished by take-offs – I just cant fathom how even this time all of us pot bellied Indians will actually be air-lifted…I really always feel that this time for sure it isn’t happening, that probability must be catching up. Needless to mention, in an ATR, with those stupid fans by the side, this fear further intensifies. Seriously, every ATR flight seems like Another Tiny Risk that I’m taking with life. But anyways, today is a good day and I’m alive and kicking, so things can’t be that bad.

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Perfecto…I land safely in Patna ( I later realized that even Collins Book of Grammar recognizes that using ‘safely’ and ‘Patna’ in the same sentence is grammatically incorrect). I am traveling to the market with my distributor, who tells me that this amazing road that we are on has come up only recently, under the Nitish Kumar govt. He also tells me that the crime rate in Patna has gone down drastically, and in the same breath he narrates an incident of how a salesman in one of our business recently was shot and his day’s collections were stolen. I don’t know how to react, but I’m told it’s Patna, these things happen. The city is really not worthy of being called one – it doesn’t have a single multiplex, a single CCD or Barista, no chain restaurant – not even a McDonalds!! All it has is one, yes ONE Yo China! – and that is the most happening place in town.

The day ends, and I’m still alive, no untoward incident, not even a gunshot heard in the distance – Patna really must be changing I think, as I pack my bag to catch my flight back to Kolkata….

….My Kingfisher is a little delayed. No problems, there are always a few mails to send…

…..I’m in the flight, when a slightly balding gentleman with a moustache comes and sits beside me. He introduces himself as (ok – this is so bad, I’ve forgotten his name, but it began with S…so Mr. S) Mr. S, and guess what, he is too from HUL. FAB, this just keeps getting better – the man handles our 3P factories in the East. We’ve never met, and I know zilch about his job…awesome, so much to talk about and learn on the flight. Not to mention, the man is so lively and so funny….this will be fun…

…..The flight has been in the air for 30 mins now (that is one half of our total journey), we are done with food, and I already love Mr. S. We’ve been having such an interesting chat about factories and sales and…woooo…what the fuck was tha…whoohooo…holy mother of gawd…this is bad turbule…wooohhhoooo…fuck fuck fu….

‘Dear passengers…this is your captain speaking…as we are experiencing turbulent weather, I request you to kindly move back to your seats and buckle up’

OK. This is not good. I’ve been in turbulent weather, but this is way beyond just ‘turbulence’. By the way, up until now, very unlike my normal self, I had not checked out the people sitting around me in the flight and formed a mental guess of where they came from and what they did. But this sudden rocking of my boat left me with a compelling urge to do that. So I started looking around and here is what I saw:

1) On the 2 seats in front of us were an old couple – couldn’t really see them so no comments. Just that they seemed to be the educated, calm n composed types.
2) On our right hand side, across the aisle, was seated a Bihari uncle with a huge moustache and a black leather bag in his hand. Definitely a Bihar Govt official who had the ‘I am the guy who sits on files in govt offices and lets the grass grow under my arse’ look.
3) Behind me (yes, I am one of those annoying passengers who turns behind and checks you out through the gap between the seats), was a Chineese/Japanese dude (hereby referred to as CJD) who, like all Chinese/Japanese dudes (next time for sure), seemed perturbed and in a real hurry to go somewhere. I’m sure that had it not been for the seat belt he wouldn’t have been sitting.

Also, important to mention that we two were on the 2nd seat from the front, and hence the tall air-hostess was in eye range and ear shot. She was sitting on a seat facing us, with her back to the cockpit door. ( I’m not a pervert, this is not irrelevant information, I’m telling you this for a reason) (Btw, I can’t even imagine how embarrassing and uncomfortable it must be for an ATR airhostess, to sit in clear viewing distance of a pitch black, pot bellied, gold titan watch wearing Bihari uncle with a big moustache and Ray Ban glasses on to prevent her from seeing where he is looking. The poor lady has to look interestedly at the baggage cabin above, as if it was the most exquisite mural, while all she wishes is that the cabin somehow opens up and a heavy suitcase, or a boulder, drops on uncle’s head.)

Anyways, coming back…we are caught in a freaking thunderstorm! Our plane is wobbling like mad…and the CJD behind me goes ‘Ohh ma gawwd..ohh maa gaawwwd’ every time we tumble. (‘I really don’t want to be annoyed when I die’, I remember thinking.) But what was interesting for me, was to note the shift in behaviors as the turbulence continued and worsened.

Episode 1 – Duration: 1st 30secs of turbulence: Do as you are trained – these are the initial few jitters, time for the tray tables to get closed, laptops to go in, poopers to return to base, air hostesses to maneuver protruding elbows and return to their seats, pilots to shut off auto-pilot and earn their pay, kids to stop crying coz they are shocked…you know…the usual drill

Episode 2 – Duration: The next 2 minutes: Act all calm and composed: When the turbulence continues for over a minute, the ‘You don’t scare me’ looks come out. Just take a look around and you can see those stone cold faces, pretending not to be hassled by this ‘turbulence thing’. ‘Ohh we fly everyday, this is normal, don’t worry about it, trust ME, I know’

Episode 3 – Duration: Well, let’s just say that by this time you are not seeing your watch to see how much time has passed, but how much time you got left!

Episode 3, is when the proverbial Shit hits the real roof.

The kids who had stopped crying in Episode 1 due to shock, realize that ‘Dude, this is serious shit…mommy isn’t voluntarily rocking us to sleep’, and start wailing with such renewed enthusiasm that for a moment the thought of a crash brings a smile to your face.
In the aisle, all the elbows come out again, but for once, there is no Air Hostess in sight. This time everyone is grabbing on to the side bars of their seats for dear life. The Air-Hostesses, btw, are by now seated at their extremely embarrassing crowd facing seats. Cross-legged (horny uncle’s hormones will fight to the grave I guess), trying to maintain composure, they are the last proponents of the ‘this is normal turbulence’ theory. Because the ones who were saying so in Episode 2, are by now chanting silent prayers under their clenched teeth. These are the ones I feel most pity for, because in the event of a crash, they would die pretending.

But why Episode 3 is the most revealing episode, is because in most cases, real human nature comes out in full glory in this time of helplessness. All your defences, all your facades, they melt away and you, in your pure, pristine form, shine through. So while, Mr. S (who had gone silent a few minutes back) started laughing now, let go of the side bars, and said – ‘That’s why I love Levers…it has taught me, that when you can’t stop it…enjoy it!’….Mr. CJD sitting behind me, after 10 minutes of ‘ohh maa gawd ohh maaa gawwddd’, asks his first question to the petrified but calm airhostess –
‘When will we land…we are already 45 minutes late?’

You can not imagine the effect this one question had on the people who could hear it. The airhostess gave him a look that said – ‘if we do land…SUE US’. The Bihari uncle looking at her legs was relived that her attention was diverted. Mr. S couldn’t stop laughing…and I…I really wanted to turn around and tell Mr. Chow from the land of JIT – It’s ok, we might land late…but we will die right on time!

Anyways, we did land safely…all credit to the pilot for that. But it was only once we landed that we realized the true severity of what we had been through. I asked the Air-Hostess whether this truly was normal turbulence on this route and she said – ‘hell no, I’ve never been in anything like it’. Once we got out of the plane, a whole crew of Kingfisher executives was there to receive us, and we were told that as soon as we took off from Patna, a thunderstorm warning was issued in Kolkata and all flights were grounded. Ours was the only flight coming in and they were really worried. We had taken more than 2 hours for a 1 hour flight, because every time we tried to descend we would get caught in a draft and lose balance. But I guess the experience was best summarized by the dear Bihari Uncle, who took off his Ray Bans as soon as we landed, wiped the sweat of his forehead, and with a smile on his face said – ‘ IT BHAS A BHERY HORRIPHYING EXPERIENCE’

:)

PS: Actually there was an Episode 4 also – this was the time when I think everyone was saying – ‘Just get me thought this one, and then I will….’
It was during this time when I thought that I’ll do everything I’ve been postponing, and renewing the blog was on top of that list. But as soon as you are through the trauma, you instantly forget about your resolve, and it again becomes another thing that you ‘must do’. Needless to mention, 2 months have passed between then and now.

PS2: I’ve been ill for the past few days, for a moment dengue/ malaria was suspected, and this is when the resolve came back with vigor. This time, I’m glad I acted :)